Have you ever had a day where you just felt absolutely miserable, alone, and insecure? Of course you have. If you said “No,” you’re a dirty liar. I’m on to you.
Everyone has these days and often times, it leads to us feeling insecure about ourselves. Then we feel like there’s no one around who cares.
These negative thoughts just keep adding up more and more. Crap, now it’s like a beehive in your head and it’s only getting worse.
I used to be terribly insecure and certain days were worse than others. Hell, I still am. But who cares? I don’t let my insecurity control my actions for more than a split second.
I still remember one day during a party in my friend’s backyard, we were talking about teeth for some reason. Maybe one of us just got braces for the first time. Who knows?
Then I had made a comment about how I needed braces too. Naturally, my friend asked me to show my teeth and I wouldn’t show them.
“Oooh… Insecure!” he said.
That made me feel terrible because I realized he was right. I was insecure and when I was reminded of these feelings, it would drag me down for the rest of the day.
Well, not anymore. The good news is that I will now share my pick-me-up tricks with you, oh lucky reader. All with an easy payment of $29.95!
Actually, I like you so much I’ll give them to you all for free! Here are my secrets on how to feel better about yourself.
Warning: This isn’t the usual cliché list you find on most other sites. No “put on a fake smile until you feel better!” preaches.
1. Analyze and change your perspectives
Maybe you are asking the wrong questions and this is what makes you feel terrible about yourself.
For example, I know plenty of people who are true believers of the idea of “The One.” Then the burning question they keep asking themselves is “How do I find ‘The One?’” Wondering how to find “The One” limits your options and gives you the expectation of the perfect being out there just waiting for you.
A lot of people may disagree with me, but from pure probability it is unlikely that there is only one individual out of over 7 billion that is just right for you.
In this situation, you would realize that you are limiting your expectations to a set of criteria that are impossible to meet. Is that fair to you or anyone else?
Sometimes all it takes is a shift in perspective. Try to identify any of these wrong questions that you’ve been asking all this time.
2. Figure out the flaws that are in your control then FIX them
This does not mean you forget how to be yourself. It means you self-analyze and figure out what are your worst qualities that within your control, yet don’t require you to be fake.
What? That doesn’t make sense, Vincent! You’re telling me to CHANGE and you’re telling me to be myself.
Look, you’re reading this website for a reason. It is because you want to become a better person. That could mean becoming a nicer person or by making yourself happier through changing factors within your control.
I’ll give you an example from my own life.
I used to have a terrible fashion sense. One day, I realized clothes are pretty awesome! So then I looked at different stores with the intent of expanding my appreciation for clothes. This used to be a world that I completely ignored, but now it’s one of my favorites.
Guess what? Now I dress better, I feel better, and people like it. Most importantly, I like it.
I’m still me, silly, goofy me. Except now I dress better. Want to learn how to feel better about yourself? Figure out what you can consciously change in strides.
3. Take a walk
I’ve covered the benefits of walking and my personal stories before, but have you done it yet? Have you really taken the time out of your day or night to get outdoors and walk with the simple intent to enjoy the very act of walking?
In case you forgot, here are the quick benefits of walking for the sake of walking:
It helps you stay in the moment.
Allow you to slow down and breathe.
Keeps you sane.
Our minds are bastards sometimes. They’re so quick to make self-judgments and then we go crazy because we can’t escape the negativity. Then that’s when those feelings of insecurity and loneliness kick in.
Grab a friend or two (or go yourself) and take the time to take a walk. This is one method to learning how to feel better as you take in the scenery and enjoy the moment.
4. Get active, play sports, get outside, and socialize
This one’s obvious, right? If it is, then why aren’t you active and socializing?
It’s easy to tell ourselves we don’t know enough people, we never have fun, or we don’t have people in our lives that share the same interests as us.
Here’s the thing, opportunities to meet people don’t just fall on your lap through convenience of inaction. You have to go pursue some sort of interests that pushes you into an environment where you can get active AND meet people.
Pick up tango dancing, tennis, or go to a karaoke bar. They’re all very social events and you can’t help but meet someone interesting.
5. Start a blog
Ha! Bet you didn’t see this one coming. I’m telling you to start your own blog!
Now isn’t the time to invent excuses for yourself and say that you’re not much of a writer. That’s bull. Everyone has a voice and opinions. Get your opinions out there.
You don’t even have to publicly post anything. Just create one on a free website like WordPress.com or Blogger and set it on private.
Look, Self Stairway is for the world to digest and improve themselves with, but it’s for me too. It feels great to be able to write something because when I’m feeling crappy because I know I can always get my thoughts into writing.
Vent, cry, laugh, or all of the above. Your blog can be there to hear it all. When you’re feeling risky enough, publish it.
6. Sing at the top of your lungs like no one can hear you
I do this all the freaking time! Home alone? Singing. Driving to school? Singing. Showering? Singing!
Find the time to sing as loud as you want. Blast your favorite music (something upbeat, nothing sad) and go crazy.
If you’re feeling really dangerous, refer back to point 1 and take a walk in the park or somewhere you know there’s going to be people walking by on occasion. Sing quietly to yourself but just loud enough that others can hear you and smile at your carefree spirit.
Guess what? They’re going to smile and wonder what’s got you in such a great mood. Unless they are jerks. Then they’ll make fun of you in their head. But who cares what jerks think?
7. Bring a laptop or a book to Starbucks (or any other coffee place)
It’s been a while since I’ve talked about the benefits of Starbucks. Things suck when you’re in the house a lot and I personally cannot work from home for long. I go insane.
That is why I have three locations that spur productivity because I love changing it up. I have my home, my collaborative workspace office, and Starbucks.
Sometimes I get these feelings that just make me sad for no reason. Seriously! I could be having a great day, get started on work, then I’m just feeling terrible about myself for no reason. No, it’s not because I hate my work. I freaking LOVE my work!
It’s just a sign that I need to change it up.
Maybe you’re someone who often works alone or (if you’re honest) don’t get out too often. That’s fine!
Get yourself out of the old environment and into a coffee shop where you can be around others. You can keep yourself occupied and even strike up conversation on occasion. That is the answer to how you can get a social life. Trust me, people are very receptive to talking to others. That brings me to my next point…
8. Talk to a stranger
People are fascinating. During my first semester of college, I made it a goal to talk to at least five different people a day. You would think that people would be completely turned off by a complete stranger approaching them, but you’d be wrong.
It’s not just the college environment that worked in my favor. I practiced this everywhere I went and you know what I learned? People love talking, especially about themselves.
Guess what? You feel great when you talk to others too. You’re helping yourself feel better while adding a bit of spontaneity to a stranger’s day.
Introduce yourself to at least one person a day and make a judgment call on whether or not you’re going to continue the conversation. Ask them “What is your life story?” Sometimes people are caught off guard by this but it leads to VERY interesting conversations.
By the way, the people who say “I’m not that interesting,” or anything along those lines are usually the ones with the best stories.
Remember to practice active listening as you engage in conversation. Don’t worry if it’s awkward for you at first. The more you try this, the better you’ll get.
9. Strip naked, emotionally
Ha, got you there for a second. You thought this was going to be naughty, right? Well, you’re either disappointed or relieved.
I don’t think anyone is truly alone because there’s at least one person you can talk to. Find someone who is willing to listen to you rant and pour everything out if they’re okay with listening. A trusted friend, a stranger who notices you frowning, your life partner.
Sometimes you just need to vent to a real human being and keeping it in a privated blog isn’t going to cut it.
10. Stop reading and start taking action
Here is my biggest secret. I don’t read often, but what I do read I internalize and learn from.
Many of my friends tell me they read tons of material and they’re hyped up to start taking action then… Nothing.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because you’re reading means it’s helping. No, that’s nonsense. What does work is reading the material then actually doing it. I can’t promise you that you need all 9 secrets up there, but at least implement one two, eight, or even all of them.
But I beg you don’t read, feel good for a short while, then procrastinate. That’s not how you feel better about yourself.
So quit reading about feeling better and start doing it.
Question: What are some of your secrets you’d like to share with people learning how to feel better?
Awesome list Vincent. And I definitely have to agree with your point about starting a blog.
It can be a life changer.
I like to think of it as blog therapy. I’ve gotten so much crap out while writing for my blog it’s amazing. You remove the burden. You feel lighter. And it can make for some interesting reading to boot.
I’ve written stuff so personal I don’t know if I’ll ever publish it. But that doesn’t make the writing of it any less therapeutic.
Seriously folks, start a blog and see the difference it makes in your life.
Cheers!
Yup, it really is amazing therapy. It doesn’t matter if you publish or not because you really don’t need to do it for anyone else. It’s for you and it can be only for your eyes if you want.
I never thought I’d enjoy it this much and look at it now. Oh, who am I kidding? I knew I’d fall in love with it and that it’d become a full-time job.
Although I think #1 and #2 are important factors, I liked the rest of the list better in that they mostly practical, “get out there and do it” points. I think being active physically, emotionally and mentally leads to the self-analysis that brings change.
You should check out James Altucher’s article “How to Be the Luckiest Guy on the Planet in 4 Easy Steps.”
He talks about how he takes care of his physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual sides on a daily basis.
That sounds very interesting. Plus I loved your article. We have to learn to forget the past mistakes and forgive. Forgive others and ourselves in order to move on. Thank you for yout thoughts and posts,,they are on point and inspiring!
Hi Vincent,
your writing is just impressive… 6th and 3rd- i do that a lot whenever i am frustrated ..
the last one is pretty awesome..taking actions ; obviously reading does not helps you until you practically implement it in your life.
Thank you, Shael!
Reading gives the illusion that you’re doing something. Reading then actually using it is what separates you from others.
Wow Vincent. So much to say on this one! First, I love that your is not a Boring Top 10 List! Thumbs up! I knew you wouldn’t let me down.
No, there is no perfect being out there waiting for you. Ugh, what rot! There are a lot of people who may be right for you and it depends on timing and many other factors. How depressing to be waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Work on yourself, and that person will come.
Oh, I would love to hear you singing, Vincent. That one made me smile to think of it. Also, CJ and I were on a walk and a man was sitting on a bench singing. No one else was around. I waved at him from across the road. He waved and kept right on signing. Loved it!
I have read a lot in my life, but I used to be more of a Read to Avoid rather than Read to Enhance. You are so right when you talk about taking action. What else is there? You and a couch and a stack of books. Really enjoyed this one, Vincent. Thank you.
Definitely right, Tammy! Working on yourself is how you’ll be great for that right person you meet.
Haha, don’t worry my singing isn’t too good.
That guy’s nonchalant singing is exactly what I mean! I’m only that fearless on occasions, but I’m working towards getting it to 100%.
Thanks for stopping by, Tammy. 🙂
This is great Vincent! I was working my way through the list even before you wrote this…still need to do numbers 3,8 and 10. As a woman #9 comes very naturally to me and I love to do #6.
I especially agree with #5 because that’s exactly what I did! I just wrote for my own benefit for about a month before I actually published it. Writing is a great way to get all those thoughts out of your head and strangely you start to see your own thoughts from a different perspective (you become your own audience) and it’s like, why am I thinking like that? or wow, I was angry! So therapeutic.
Insecurity usually comes from caring way too much about what others think (or you think they think) about you and letting that take higher priority over what you think about yourself. When we change that and see things from a new perspective #,1 it gets easier to do the rest. Thank you very much for this.
Thea, you can totally combine all three of the ones you mentioned! Take the advice from the reading to take a walk and say hi to at least one stranger while you’re out there!
These are some awesome suggestions, Vincent! I loved your anecdote on clothes, for quite frankly I need to do the same, but the small amount of capital I have goes elsewhere. I’ll worry about looking the part when I need to really step out in public.
I’m glad you included #7 and 8, although I may not have thought of them otherwise… I don’t think I’ve ever set foot in a Starbucks, but the Caffe Nero chain is my alternative, it’s also a great place to speak to strangers and just observe the world, truly peaceful.
Again, loved the ideas, and I like how you strategically placed number 10..!
It doesn’t have to be limited to clothes, Nick. It can really be anything such as posture, which you touched upon very recently.
What?! Are there no Starbucks around your area or something? Caffe Nero is a cool name though, so I guess that works.
Very though-provoking article. I think everyone is insecure in one way or another, I know I am at times – I just try not to show it. Woah, maybe I’m insecure about my insecurity.
I strongly agree with you in regards to point one. I don’t know where the idea came from, but many people think of ‘The One’, as the only one. Or, soul mate. Like you said, there’s 7 billion people in the world, and I don’t mean to be depressing, but love is a chemical reaction. When I was 15 I used to think I had found ‘the one’ – psshhhh.
I think talking to a stranger is awesome. I don’t know about you, but I generally don’t look that much into someone when I first talk to them. I just focus on what we’re talking about really!
Really good post as always Vincent, cheers!
Yeah, when you think about the idea of “The One,” you realize how weird it is. It’s like intentionally limiting yourself and setting yourself up for disappointment.
Exactly! You don’t have to focus on them too much, but if you enjoy the conversation then you’ll find the focus will come naturally. Thanks, Sam!
I may be a liar, Vincent, but I am not dirty. Why dirty?
I love that humans can refuse to be miserable if they like, but I hate that we can also choose to be miserable. Your list offers little excuse for remaining so melancholy.
Walks and a chatski with Tammy are the only two sure fire ways I know to stave off the blues, but then again, I am almost never blue – or dirty.
Ha! You’re crazy, CJ. 🙂
Numbers 5 and 6 are me 😀
But what about 1-4 and 7-10? 🙂
Finding a new environment can be key. Sometimes we need a physical change in order to feel an emotional one.
You got it! I can attribute many days of feeling lazy and unproductive to the workspace I’m in. All it takes sometimes is a location change.
You asked “What are some of your secrets you’d like to share with people learning how to feel better?”
Many years ago, at a very low time in my life, I was feeling sorry for myself and for the situation I was in. So one day I made a conscious effort to write down Five Neat Things that had happened that day. My friends noticed the change in me and asked what I was doing different. Soon, several of them were taking a few minutes at the end of the day to list Five Neat Things that had happened to them that day.
At first it was difficult. Some things seemed to be so minor that they were hard to remember. But here is what it does: 1) it forces you to pay attention to your day. 2) It reminds you that, even in tough times, you can find good things. 3) years later (if you write your list with a bit of detail), you can look back and relive that day.
For example, today, I have had these Five Neat Things happen:
1) I had hot water in the shower (we take that for granted, but a hot shower feels great).
2) A Mockingbird has taken up residence in our yard. I haven’t heard that much bird-joy since I lived in Oklahoma back in 1999.
3) I am joining a new club. They had a meeting today. They actually listened to a suggestion that I made (and 6 of the 11 changed their vote on an issue)..
4) Vincent asked for advice about his website. I sent a suggestion. He actually modified his “about” section within 15 minutes.
5) I opened my email to find a coupon for a meal on Mothers Day at one of mom’s favorite places (my dilemma for a Mothers Day event is solved).
And the day is not over yet!
Pretty awesome to see what a difference conscious gratitude did for you, Bob! That is really awesome that someone could see a visible change in you. Thanks for sharing your trick!
Ha, I’ve got to admit I really do take hot water for granted and I use it wastefully. I spend a lot of time in there because hey, why not? It’s sort of messed up if you think about it.
Thanks again for your suggestions! The “About” page is only more awesome now thanks to your idea.
I really love your statement that it is okay to be insecure as long as it doesn’t impact your actions. You may not be able to control feeling insecure, however, you can control what action you take as a response.
Exactly, Tom. Your response shows a lot about you and it’s interesting to see your progress as you reflect further along. You can compare and contrast the ways you naturally respond over time. The way you would have acted now may not have been how you would have acted back then.
Vincent,
Your last point on “Stop reading and start taking action” stood out for me in particular.
It’s really tempting to just read about improving yourself but then do nothing about it. It’s like the feel-good reading experience in itself is good enough… until it’s not. Then people go right back to reading even more stuff (yet still don’t take action).
When it comes to beating insecurity, an effective method is to reconsider your “flaws” from someone else’s point of view. More often than not, everyone is too focused on their OWN flaws to notice anyone else’s. In the grand scheme of things, perhaps our flaws aren’t that big of a deal after all.
I like that idea a lot, Ivan. How many of us really notice the subtle things in others? Maybe on occasion, we’ll catch a nervous person surveying the room with his or her eyes to see if anyone’s looking, but can we tell his/her life story just from looking? We have no idea what faults there are hidden. No one takes the time to question others because we’re busy wondering about ourselves.
Remember that we’re all protagonists in our own stories. Everyone else is a side character and that is exactly how they view you as well (not consciously of course.)
Taking a walk for me is so important.
I’ve actually been doing this lately being at home most of the time and spending time on my blog. You eventually feel cut off from the outside world and and depression started looming in.
I think it’s important for most of us (especially bloggers) to set aside a few hours just going out and mingling with people. Or even to give your friends a call and talk for a few hours.
Living in London can be a pain at times, especially when the weather is bad, which can demotivate anyone to take a walk lol
I always figured if I live in London, I would eventually run into The Doctor. Hell, that would motivate me to walk for hours every day. That increases the likelihood of meeting him.
Great points. I especially liked #2 because improving our self’s can defiantly improve our confidence and cause us to be secure. When I started to work on myself I saw many great benefits that came from it.
That is why it is so important to look inward on a daily basis. Imagine how much growth you can miss out on if you’re not looking for the opportunities.
What an awesome list. There’s something here for anyone to do. Personally speaking, I like to stay active. When I go to the gym and lift some weights, I feel better. Oh, my muscles might ache afterward (if I did it right), but my mind will be more clear. It gets me into a meditative state. I’m focusing my mind on the weights in front of me. No negative thinking is allowed.
I also like to talk with friends. Grab a beer or two and just hang out. They make me feel so much better.
One thing I try to really be aware of about insecurity is my language. How I say things or what I talk about (or don’t talk about) often comes out in my words. You can find yourself saying things because you’re insecure about certain areas. Watch your words and you can notice insecurities you didn’t know you had.
Very true about watching your language, Steve. That is a very important part that I miss quite often. Did you say something (or not) because of an insecurity? Is that who you really are or is that a mask?
It’s quite easy to lose ourselves.
Self-consciousness can stymie every single pursuit if you let it. Think about all of the things you may have never tried or done because you were worried about how you looked, how you seemed to others etc.
I’ve got a serious sweating problem, Vincent. I know how you feel and for the longest time it governed what I did and didn’t do. Now, I’ve accepted it and to a certain degree embrace it in order to move forward and do whatever I want. So far so good, but still got a ways to go!
I’m glad to hear that you are accepting it, Mans! None of that denying because that doesn’t solve the root of the issue. Keep at it!
Hello Vincent, great site! I stumbled onto it from a friends facebook post. I like how you write from your own experiences. Keep it up, never stop growing. Just wanted to share a few thoughts that I think apply to the main issue.
Learning to dis-identify from your mind, from your thoughts, is the beginning of personal transformation. You eventually see that you are not your thoughts, but the witness to your thoughts. All your thoughts come from memory, from the past, and through this veil we see the world and ourselves. In time we have a purely conceptual understanding of ourselves, we believe we are our self image built from all our various conditionings. But the “image” is not the thing, it can’t fulfill us. It can be scary as you expand your awareness and see that your intrinsic nature is “nothingness”…but nothingness is not to be feared. When you realize the nature of the mind you will be liberated from incessant thinking. Being identified means you are reactionary, and acting through the past. Proper self-observation will reveal to you how fragmented we are. We believe that psychologically we are one “I”, but through sincere self-observation we discover we have hundreds of independent (personalities) “I’s” all built through the various likes and dislikes that we acquire. If we where indeed integrated and possessed one “I” we would have true “Will” power. This would mean we could keep our attention on something and not be deviated from our aim. We would not lose our simple sense of self of existing in the moment. You realize that most of your day is spent in-attentively, you forget yourself and as a result our memories are very poor. Becuase of all these “I’s” we are pulled in hundreds of directions. One “I” agrees, speaks, and acts through us…and a few minutes later another “I” takes it’s place, yet we will be completely unconscious to this. Just try and see how many times a day you catch your self day dreaming. “Being” in the moment, and being totally aware of the movement of your mind you can respond intelligently to life. As you begin to be free of compulsive thinking, you will feel great, because you are closer to being your true self. The present moment and you is not separate, you don’t have the split that thought introduces between your inner world (subjectivity) and the external reality (objectivity). The experiencer is the experience. Which is to say when the mind is completely still, yet totally alert, you realize you and life is one organic whole. Our thoughts and bodies are the only thing that create the feeling of separateness. It takes an immense amount of inner work to know Thyself, but it is the only journey worth taking.
Disciplines like Raja Yoga and Pranyama can help balance the left and right hemispheres of the brain. In balancing the brain your perception will change, you will be much more aware and alert, to then be able to rise above your unconscious tendencies.
It is really hard to talk about things like “awareness,” because it is like trying to describe what chocolate ice cream tastes like. Unless you have had it, there is not way for you to know, or for me to convince you of it. Truth cannot be shown to you by anybody, you gotta put in the work. Best of luck to everyone on their inner-journey.
Wow! Very interesting insights, mezzmurrize. Thank you for sharing that with us. 🙂
Great list Vincent.
Another great way is to do something you love like a hobby. For some this might be 4, 5, or 6 but for others it could be just playing their favorite movie or video game. Anything to realize that life, happiness, and personal worth isn’t dictated by one event or failure.
That’s true! Hobbies can save you from those feelings of inadequacy. If you don’t already have a hobby, there are plenty of ways to find new ones. Meetup.com comes to mind. 🙂
Essential oils are a great way to relieve stress and feel better in general. http://www.youngliving.org/tnewland
Love this. You have such a good spirit and you’re such a great writer! Thanks for helping a girl out.
Thanks for the kind words and good luck! 🙂
Hey Vincent, Great report! Learning personal development has caused me to be in a better mood with my life plus the things that I do seem to be 10 times better simply with a positive mindset. I love it.
This is a great article, really mean that. What troubles me though is the fact that with articles that promote a different way of thinking and doing for ones own benefit I always seem to identify with only a few of the suggestions.
Same as when I have a laptop problem and I try to Google solutions, sure there’s similar issues that someone else has experienced as well but the solution that really helps me seems unique and one of a kind. In regards to meeting strangers, I believe this is a very strong point you made. But again it only seems to identify with me to a certain degree. I believe every single person has value, and interactions seem like exchanging value. If I don’t know if I’ll have a job to come to in January and don’t even have that much money to spend on having fun (cooking, gym, dates, transportation etc) then that makes me feel like at the moment I don’t have a lot of value. I’m sure there would be nice strangers out there that are willing to have a chat but if I deep down feel like right now in my life I can’t offer value that someone wants then where is that interaction going? I’m certainly not going to keep listening to a stranger or talk to them about my negative thoughts (only so much active listening I can handle before the topic changes or I feel like sharing something of my own). If it’s a nice girl I just met, sure I can ask her out and get her number but let’s be honest as well, how many girls out there are not judgmental and quick to dismiss certain situations? We can have a great connection at first but as soon as the girl notices that I’m feeling uncomfortable with the current state of my life or that I’m not interested in always spending money when I’m with her then as lovely as I am no girl will want to ‘pursue’ with me because the value exchange isn’t equal or in sync.
I can rattle off a number of examples like these that constitute a chaotic way of thinking. Being a pretty good cook, but not feeling like spending lots of money on all kinds of ingredients because you simply just shouldn’t financially. Having work experience in sales & recruitment while trying to find a more tangible and secure job but not being able to because one glance at the CV shows that it’s a sales & recruitment CV. Seeing a beautiful girl but not approaching her not because of a fear of approaching, but because of a pessimistic view on where things will go in the best case scenario. Being productive at your job and getting a number of positive achievements in a row, but when your boss ignores those and focuses on 1 relatively small negative outcome for hours you almost feel like you’re being patronized and it takes the wind out of your sail. Okay, I’ll stop now.
It’s almost like caring too much will lead to failure. Wanting something to happen so bad will put you in a needy and desperate position. But how am I supposed to try to raise a child with that in mind? Yes my child, you can be anything you can be but just make sure you don’t want 1 thing too much otherwise it won’t happen?
All of your suggestions are good, being out of a comfort zone leads to improvements and certainly everyone has negative moments from which to learn from. But if fundamentally you feel like you don’t have anything to fall back on if things don’t work after you’ve put in a great amount of effort and exhausted most of your available options then where do you find the self-motivation to still go for walks, talk to strangers, write your thoughts etc? If you have something to fall back on then you can always do things to stay positive and improve. But if I’ll be out of a job without a plan b in January, what good is talking to stranger or going for a walk going to do for me now? Sure, writing this long comment has helped to air out some thoughts but still after I click on send I will go back to being productive in my job without a secure future (I’m working in Australia on a Sponsorship visa which means that I can only work for that 1 company that sponsors me, when they stop doing that I’ve got nothing…).
What really hurts me the most though is the fact that I have experiences, I am healthy and in shape, have friends both back home and in Australia, socially aren’t bad at all when I quote unquote “relax”, not bad looking (so I’ve been told) and quite young too at the age of 22. It seems I’m limiting myself, my own potential which I know I have, purely because I feel like I can’t. And no amount of exercising, socializing etc will help me get what I want. It will only help me to take my failures a little more positively. I need something more substantial than that to keep my own self motivation and drive.
Let me just apologize for the long reply but I’ve just spontaneously decided to use your inspiring article as a way to vent some of my thoughts. Haven’t done this before with anyone. Thanks for a great article. 🙂
Wow, I don’t mind the length because of how insightful it is. Love comments like this! It seems like you put a lot of thought into your own life.
Sorry I don’t have too much to add to this. A lot of these thoughts are things I’m still wondering about on an occasional basis.
“But if fundamentally you feel like you don’t have anything to fall back on if things don’t work after you’ve put in a great amount of effort and exhausted most of your available options then where do you find the self-motivation to still go for walks, talk to strangers, write your thoughts etc?”
What kept me going back when I had no fall backs was the fear of insanity. If I didn’t go out for walks, if I didn’t make an effort to connect with friends then I would have been left alone with my thoughts. When I was doing the things that kept me sane I didn’t drown myself in negativity. I wondered what I could do to minimize the risk of the worst case scenario(s.)
Wow! This is very helpful! I just found out why most of my friendships are not working because I was insecure about it. Now,I’m very thankful you posted something like this!
Thanks a bunch,Vincent!
I am 20 years old male.
here’s the story of my current life …my life has become so dreadful that i always feel insecure.
The reason of feeling insecure is that my height is short, 163 cms only.(BIGGEST HURDLE IN MY LIFE)
I always think that no one is interested in me and no one is intersted in talking to me.
I always feel that no one gives any importance to me- i’ll give you an instance of thinking so is that whenever someone start discussions on some topic, everyone ignores my point of view, or they always contradict me and no one looks at me or give me their explanation.they keep talking to each other and ignore me.If i say something ,no one listen and if they listen ,they contradict me.
All my friends are good in height,whenever i walk with them they walk so fast that i almost get pain in my legs on matching up their speeds or else i have to walk alone.
if someone talks about short height ,i am always their example.they too make fun of my height.I feel ridiculous of myself at that time.I have tried so much to resist that i always wear high heel shoes which pains me a lot but yet i am dissatisfied.
due to this , i am always low in confidence and strength.My childhood was good as at that time , i always dominated others whether in studies or sports.Now i am dominated by others which is ruining me.
I am in college,i always thought that my college life would be awesome.Most of the girls in my college are tall,so it is obvious that i am not known among girls.The worst thing is that i haven,t talked to any girl of my age from months .No girlfriends at all.The girls who knew me from childhood make fun of my short height.
The only person to whom can i speak my heart out is my mother but she herself has told me several times “What to do? You have to live….We can,t make arguments with god”.
I have few friends and no one trust this less-confident man.I always stretch my body ,here and there but no results are seen .
Tall people have always an edge over short in every field .Short girls are always seen as cute but short boys always have to suffer.
The situation has become so worse for me that i cannot even think of to be a leader amongst a group of friends.
95% of the boys are good in height . Why not me?
Therefore i always feel insecure and afraid of every situation .
Hi Shitiz,
I have edited out the email address you provided at the end of your comment just in case. I’ll be shooting you an email with my reply soon.
Hi Vincent
I went through your article….I’m suffering from severe depression since the past few years. So much so that I get suicidal thoughts sometimes
I feel my life is worthless and I haven’tbeen or will never be able to do anything…i quit my job last year and since then im not doing anything . I’ve put on a lot of weight I feel conscious so I don’t socialize much or join any classes etc
No one understands my problem…I seem to have miserable days just passing by.
Life sucks for me big time.
I wish I could give advice on this, but help with serious depression would be best done by consulting a professional. With that said, I’d be more than happy to talk privately with you if what you need right now is a good friend to talk to. Shoot me an email vincentnguyen @ selfstairway . com (remove the spaces.)
thanks 🙂
I want them to know my feeling but I don’t want them to do anything about it … sound impossible
Ah! Thank you so much for this post. I needed it so bad at this hour of the night. I follow most of these already however good to know am not alone.
Vincent,
I want to thank you for your last tip. I need to start taking action now. Thank you!
Hi Vincent! I came across this post and really like your tips! I’ve been dealing with a lot of insecurity issues for several years now. Being a stay at home mom all day every day and having to uproot to different locations every few years because of my husbands job has not been easy for me. I’m a pretty shy person so getting out there and meeting people has been a big struggle. Feeling very isolated and alone does not do well on the confidence scale. I will take the tips from your post and hope for the best! Thank you! =)
Great to hear, Cate! I really hope you succeed and form great social circles. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got this!
Really cool,………..thanks
Hey this was awesome because I kind of started thinking I am a girl with whom no guy can get serious but I really liked ur idea of meeting new people and not limiting your choices 🙂 and yeah I walk pretty much while I am upset. It gives me peace of heart and relieves stress to a great extent
I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your post. I’m dealing with so much internal processing in my life and trying to make sense of all these thoughts that run amuck in my head. You seem to deal with a lot of the same thoughts that I do, as well as many others it appears. I blog as well because it helps me get stuff out of my head and onto “paper.” Thanks for being open and helping people like me to remember that we are all human! I look forward to reading more of your blogs! Happy writing my friend!
It’s always a wonderful realization that most of us are struggling through the same things. All around us are people just as worried and insecure as we are. Some less so than others, but the struggle is almost always there one way or another.
You’re never alone. 🙂
Thank you so much for this article. I have a very bad crooked teeth and was very self conscious about it to the extent that i do not like talking in public or smiling but thanks to you am much better now. Even though i did not start a blog, i got a book that g pour my feelings to.
I’d say you are wrong about No. 9: “I don’t think anyone is truly alone because there’s at least one person you can talk to.”
If you are right, then I don’t know that person yet, which makes you wrong for the time being. Sorry if I sound bitter, cause I am. Actually not really sorry.
Hi vicent!, i believe this is a really nice article congratz for it!. anyway i just want to write this because i feel so lonely these days, i broke up with my ex (sounds weird) about 5 month ago, and still feel really crapy about her, plus ofcourse she dont want to come back, we been dating like 6 years! vacations knowing all her family and that, cant stop thinking about her it just make me crazy i want to go out and meet another girls or atleast talkt to them but i lost all courage for that . I will definetly try your steps and hope to get the valor i need to do that!.
See you congrantz again.
PD: yeah my english sucks! im from South America ( Argentina), and taking advantage of this i want to start talking with other people, if anyone want to learn spanish we can change languages haha, i really want to keep learning english and get an improve!.myskype name is Leonelk3
CHEEERS
A good way to learn about yourself and feel better is to accept that nobody is perfect and we all have blind spots. Definitely, you do not want to have a poor thought of yourself for a life time. Something that will help when you are mixed up is asking for feedback. A true opinion will be helpful for feeling better about yourself.
If you like, more tips are given here:
http://inspower.co/feel-better-about-yourself/
Some great ideas. I found addressing my negative beliefs and changing them to positive ones helped me.
I want to thank you.
I started a blog, 3 days ago, and I can already feel what a huge difference it has made to me. I was extremely unhappy for a number of reasons, and it’s just the most therapeutic thing ever. Just ranting about everything and anything, writing it all down. Nobody even reads my blog – still waiting on my first read!!! Then pouring yourself into it, editing and re-editing and making it your own. It’s just so helpful. Something so simple.
Thank you so much.
Writing IS awesome, isn’t it?? I really hope you stick with it.
We’re just 18 days away from celebrating Self Stairway’s 3rd birthday and I’ve gotta say, my life has changed drastically because of this site. You never know what will happen. 🙂
It really is awesome. thanks again for the fab advice!!
You speak truth, my friend. I know because I’ve been there. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, the thought of leaving the house and talking to other people. My nakedly self-serving tip is: start by taking online lessons. I’m not sure there’s anything you can’t learn over Skype but I teach English literature. Email me on sarahblake6@hotmail.com. Talking to someone on!ine can be a good first step towards going outside and talking to people face to face. Plus, I am totally non scary. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and don’t let yourself feel it’s your fault. It’s today’s situation but you can take action and change things. Love yourself. You’re worth it.
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I used to have a lot of family and friends around here. Now, they’re all still here, but I don’t see any of them since I became fed up with socializing. Any prolonged contact with people leaves me feeling very low.
Thank you Vincent, You have some really helpful ideas! I was hoping to contribute something to your point 7, and that is if not Starbucks, why not try your local public library. Yes this is coming from a library officer ;). Most public libraries are open long hours and all are free to join. In fact if you only want a space to hang out, read a book or sit with your laptop, you don’t even need to join. It’s a safe space, staff will get to know you and enjoy a chat with you when you are up for it! There are also free programs on all sorts of topics, so there is bound to be something that appeals to you. Publlic libraries are all about community connection, so they’re a great place to go if you are feeling a little lonely. 🙂