I’m a constant validation seeker.
If I go too long without some sort of compliment then I start feeling withdrawal symptoms and I can feel myself getting sad and mopey.
Aside from the fact that it’s not an attractive trait—which is why I try to hide it—it’s a flaw that holds me back from my main goal: to be happy as often as possible.
If your happiness is reliant on something outside of your control, you’re going to be disappointed most of your life.
The other day, I was walking into Coffee Bean to start my workday. Outside, a girl with her friend smiled at me and said hi. I smiled and greeted her back.
As I was opening the door, I hear her whisper to her friend “Oh my gosh. He’s so cute!”
BOOM! Validation for the day achieved (and a healthy dose of ego boost.)
When I was traveling, I got a lot of validation. I was regularly meeting entrepreneurs that I admired and respected.
Just to be with them was enough of a boost for me.
But then the next day comes and I need another dose.
If I were to write down everything I have to be grateful for, it would seemingly be easy to be content. Somehow it’s not.
Validation is a currency that’s temporary and needs constant replenishing. It’s an addiction.
I’m not 100% free of my reliance on validation just yet. But progress is better than stagnation.
So how do you break the addiction?
Realize and remember you have value, even if you aren’t openly told that on a daily basis.
Here’s the thing:
We’re all busy worrying about ourselves. We don’t always have the energy and time to give a nod of approval or a friendly compliment to those around us—although how awesome would that be?
The people around you might look up to you more than you know. Just because they don’t explicitly say it, you have NO idea how they view you. You might be their idol.
Hell, I really look up to many of my closest friends, but I doubt they have the faintest idea of my admiration for them.
That may as well be you. You’re someone’s hero.
So let’s quit moping around just because we didn’t get a dose of ego boost today.
Let’s focus on genuine self-improvement because we simply want to be better versions of ourselves.
I believe one of the downsides of social media and the celebrity culture is our need to be “liked” and seen and passed on and, oh joy, to go viral. Here’s a thing about getting older that I really appreciate. I’ve become more inner focused and my need for external validation has decreased. Not to say it’s not still there, just more manageable. I do and act more in accordance with my inner compass whether someone “likes” it or not.
I’ve learned to listen to my inner compass more as well. It’s led to interesting things and I also understand a bit more about myself when I actually take the time to listen.
As always, this is a great post. You have a fine writing style. Reading this from a perspective of someone who has walked the 20-something path some time ago, I keep thinking that the subtitle of your blog should be “How to Grow Up.” I mean that positively, as you know. I think Holly’s comment above are also right on target. Part of maturity is going from this navel-gazing space to looking up and out to the world, finding where you can be of service and impact. Keep it up.
Thanks, Sean. How to grow up is a difficult subtitle to live up to! I don’t think any of us will ever be done growing up and I don’t believe age is synonymous with it either. With that said, that’d be a great sub. 🙂
Btw, I’m coming back to Arizona Dec. 22 and will be sure to stop by Gangplank regularly. Can’t wait to catch up with you and the others!
I think there comes a time when you aren’t putting your energy into the basics so much any more which leads you more time to create. That can happen at 12 or later. I may or may not catch you at GPA this time around, speaking of growing pains. 😉
Whoops, didn’t mean I was stopping by on the 22nd exactly. I meant that’s when I’ll be back in AZ. I’ll drop by GPA sometime after New Years is over.
This is awesome! Perfectly describes how I feel way too often. I journal and find that my happiest entries are often based on some compliment that someone gave me. I think holly is right too. There just seems to be this pressure to have other people value you so you can value yourself when it should probably be the other way around.
Heh, I bet if I go through my journal then I would find the same.
Well said Vincent Short, Sharp and Shiny I gotta say you are pretty cute though 😛 #nohomo
Hahah! I’ll take it!
Good food-for-thought blog Vincent!
For me a part of the reason why I look for validation is because in the big world of the internet, some people’s input seem so insightful or funny or just simply, well-said. I think I fear that when I speak, my comments will fade as noise that detracts from the well-worded discussions. I think I still have that respect for speaking only when I think worth saying, but today, I’ll remember your blog to not overthink my input and not to allow my happiness to reliant on something outside of mycontrol– I don’t want to be disappointed my whole life!
Thanks!
Just think of it this way: it doesn’t even matter if what comes out of you ends up being non-insightful. Does it really matter? Who will remember the next day anyway?
If you hold it all in then you rob yourself of the chance to drop a real value bomb in the conversation, a value bomb that may have been a life-changer for someone else who heard you. But if you say a few things that aren’t so insightful, no one will remember it the next day anyway.
Basically, there’s only up from here!
Don’t tell anybody. This is a secret. You’re a great guy today and you are going to be a great man someday! Hope to still hear from you then.
For now, I’ll settle for being a great woman until I get that operation.
(joookes)
I’ve learned to care less about what others think of me, good or bad. I’ve found that disconnecting the ego from other people’s opinion has helped tremendously for an overall sense of well-being. Nice post!
Good advice! Handy reminder for my TEDx audition tonight. 🙂
therefore, You’re happiness is reliant on things that are inside your control, I feel like we all must have a good collection of things that are inside our control so we can enjoy our selves with external dependence….thanks for your words vincent, always learn so much from you 🙂
And always a pleasure to see you in the comments, Sal. 🙂